This week we return to one of our most beloved conversations from the archives, my talk with Dr. Mallory Hanfling, a fellow later in life queer woman, therapist, and the creator of the term Firefly.
Mallory shares her story with such honesty. She married a kind man, built a genuine friendship with him, and still felt that something was quietly wrong. Like so many of us, she searched everywhere for an answer. Individual therapy, couples therapy, sex therapy, endless blood work, and doctors who offered birth control and even exploratory surgery. She was looking for a physiological explanation for a truth her spirit already knew. She is queer.
Together we explore why the question "have you ever considered your sexuality" is so rarely asked, how compulsory heterosexuality teaches us to dismiss our own knowing, and why women are socialized to carry discomfort quietly rather than speak up for their own pleasure and peace. We also talk about opening a marriage as a bargaining stage of grief, what actually happens when a third person is brought into a struggling relationship, and the moment Mallory chose to end her marriage with love rather than let it end in heartbreak.
And of course, we talk about fireflies. Mallory coined the term as a gender and sexuality expansive alternative to late bloomer language. Fireflies spend most of their lives underground, and when they finally emerge as their most authentic selves, they glow and bring joy to others. You do not need to have all the labels figured out to belong. If you are somewhere in the metamorphosis, this conversation is for you.
Dr. Mallory Hanfling is a therapist in Philadelphia, licensed in Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, and Indiana. Her practice, Courage to Grow Counseling, serves the queer community with a focus on identity development, coming out, and connecting with one's most authentic self. Her doctoral research explores how community mitigates the impact of compulsory heterosexuality on the Firefly identity.
Mallory's resources
🌈Courage to Grow Counseling: couragetogrowcounseling.org (she provides a superbill for out of network benefits)
🌈The Firefly Circle weekly peer support group, linked on her website
🌈Instagram: @thefireflyjourney
🌈TikTok: Mal's Courage to Grow (home of the original Firefly video)
Community changes everything. It is the thread running through this entire conversation, and it is why Authentically Us exists. If you are questioning, coming out, or rebuilding your life in midlife, you do not have to walk this road alone. Inside Authentically Us you will find weekly gatherings, resources, and women who understand from the inside because we have lived it too.
🌈Come find your people: https://community.annemariezanzal.com/
🌈Visit annemariezanzal.com for resources, articles, videos, and the free downloadable guide for coming out later in life.
🌈Subscribe to Coming Out and Beyond on Apple Podcasts and Spotify so you never miss an episode.
