386: GuyTalk: How do you co-parent with a challenging partner? (including Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder)

When you've got kids with someone, you need to be able to cooperate. But what do you do if your ex is emotionally unstable/volatile, physically or emotionally abusive, or otherwise difficult?

Most partners don't start out that way, of course. As one man put it, it felt more like "the ground could be kind of unstable" in the relationship. Another said, "I was hyper-aware of her emotions all the time, and trying to minimize her upheaval."

Maybe the two of you have even tried seeing a couple's counselor. But it didn't work -- or in some cases, even seemed to make things worse. Says one man, "Even in therapy, a lot of it was, ‘You’re the cause of this.’"

Here, three men share their personal experiences of co-parenting with challenging partners -- women who often have traits of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).

They go into what it was like being in the relationship, the progression from being a childless couple to having children together, and then the journey out. They share both practical and emotional tips about co-parenting, and offer what they've learned along the way.

If you're in this situation, may this help to light the way.

Memorable quotes:

• “She said things like, ‘You have ruined my life, and caused me more trauma.’”
• “It’s hard to see that stuff when you’re in it.”
• “In reality, we just had wounds that sort of fit well together at the time.”
• “I told myself I had a loyalty to her.”
• “I had so much fear of, 'What’s gonna happen if I actually follow through?'”
• “At some point I didn’t feel safe; I felt threatened.”
• “What made things better for everyone, including my ex, was strong, healthy boundaries.”

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Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men 128: Feel like you’re walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder (ft. Violet Lange)
• Book: Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder, by Paul T. Mason & Randi Kreger
• Book: Loving Someone With Borderline Personality Disorder by Shari Y. Manning, PhD
• Book: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy, Randi Kreger, et al
• Book: Parallel Parenting -- The Only Way to Co-parent with a Narcissist: Managing a Counter Parent, Setting Boundaries, and Protecting Your Child From Parental Alienation by Wendy Carter
• Article: 25 Fictional Characters People With Borderline Personality Disorder Relate To (https://themighty.com/topic/borderline-personality-disorder/bpd-borderline-personality-disorder-fictional-characters/)