You know the moment. She comes at you with heat — frustrated, hurt, disappointed, or just a lot — and something inside you freezes.
Maybe you start minimizing her experience ("It's not that bad"; "You're exaggerating"). Or you lawyer up ("Well but you also said ____" or "That's not what I meant; if you'd just listen while I explained..."). Or you look present, but you're not.
It's one of the most common patterns we see in hetero relationships. And the story we've been told about why it happens is mostly wrong.
Here, Jason and I dig into what's actually going on when her intensity floods you — and surprising research on this. For example, we still, as a culture, have a story that boys are "strong" and girls are "sensitive," but the Still Face Experiment found that baby boys are actually more emotionally reactive than baby girls, and more dependent on maternal attunement to come back to regulation.
Add in the fact that boys receive less comforting touch than girls — more functional, directive touch, less "I've got you" — and by the time you're a grown man, you often don't quite know what it feels like to be truly held. Which means you don't quite know how to hold her. Plus, the Gottman Institute has found that it actually takes a flooded man 20 minutes to come back into presence.
Then we get into what actually works. Spoiler: it's not white-knuckling your way through.
We also name something critical: none of this is about tolerating emotional abuse. If your partner's intensity is off the charts and the pattern never shifts no matter how present you get — it's time to listen to our episodes on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
If you've ever looked at your partner mid-conflict and thought I don't know what to do right now or This isn't working; it's just escalating— this one's for you.
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Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
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Mentioned on this episode:
- Our Generating Polarity in Dating! masterclass coming up on May 29th. Register at: www.melaniecurtin.com/masterclass
- Our Borderline Personality Disorder episodes: 128 (start here), 313, 345, 354 & 373 (a 2-part series)
Memorable quotes from this episode:
- "Receiving comfort is actually often a struggle for me."
- "Sometimes the body is activated while the mind suppresses awareness of it."
- "What are you grounding into?"
- "It's better to tell her you can't be present right now than pretend like you can."
- "'I'm flooded. I can't receive you the way I want to right now. I need a 20-minute timeout. And then I want to come back.'"
- "It's not about becoming an invulnerable robot that can handle intensity forever."
- "The more held you are, the more you can hold her."
- "Investing in other men is the single best investment you can make in your life."
- "It's like plugging into a source of clean energy you didn't even know was available."
- "'I had never experienced safe love in that way before.'"
