You love your partner. You're committed. But the sex has slowed to a trickle — once a month, once every six months, maybe not in years — and you're starting to wonder: "Is this just what long-term partnership is?"
No -- it doesn't have to be. Unfortunately, if this is happening and you're feeling lonely in your marriage, you're not alone. And it can be hard to know what to do; millions of men feel ill-equipped to address the issue because either a) whenever they do, it becomes a fight; or b) they're scared of coming off as demanding or a jerk.
Here, Jason and I count down the 5 root causes we see most often behind sexless relationships, ranked from least to most common, drawing on our work with hundreds of men.
We cover how much changes when you have kids (including the partner that just can't relax when the kids are in the house); resentment and quiet breaches of trust; mental load; what kind of sex actually feels good for women; and how to engage on the topic skillfully. As Jason says: “Neither men nor women do well when sex is connected to pressure.”
We also share story after story of men whose "spines got straighter," who stopped using sex to discharge stress, and whose wives initiated for the first time in a decade!
If you've been the higher-desire partner wondering, "Is this just how it is now?" -- this one's for you. It can come back online, and when it does, it's often even more glorious than ever.
—
Work with us
Ready to go deeper than the podcast and take action? Jason and I will help you break old patterns and transform your sex & love life for good. To see if you're a fit for our flagship program, Pillars of Presence, book a call here. Start anytime. (https://evolutionary.men/apply/)
—
Mentioned on this episode:
- The Love Field -- our new co-gendered course www.violetlange.com/thelovefield
- DM 222: Are you using your woman for sex?
- DM 103: Reverse polarity can kill your sex life as a couple -- unless you do this
- My streaming course Please Her In Bed — which includes how a man can lead sexual communication (www.pleaseherinbed.com)
- DM 172: Revealing my sex research, one stat at a time (ft. Robbie Kramer)
- DM 1: Pain in Pleasure, Pleasure in Pain -- episode with my friend Z, who took a Tantra course and went on her own journey of sexual healing within her marriage
—
Memorable quotes from this episode:
- “Instead of being on the same team, suddenly we’re against each other.”
- “This is the challenge most couples aren’t prepared for.”
- "'I enjoyed that he enjoyed it.' ... That's not the same thing as, 'I enjoyed it.'"
- “How do we actually create desire in the relationship? That's polarity.”
- "If there are unresolved tensions between the two of you, there's no room for erotic tension."
- "'My wife initiated with me for the first time in, I swear to God, a decade.'"
- “After retreat these guys are CHARGED UP with masculine energy.”
- “Spending deep, quality time with other men is a big part of this.”
- “‘I want you to take me!’”
- "It can change."
- "Good sex is like lubricant for the relationship itself."
