Why Kids Lie and What to Do About It (a Listener Q&A)

Your five-year-old tells a whopping great lie at Show and Tell. Do you correct them, call them out, or let it go?

Lying can push every parental button, but for young kids, stretching the truth can be a surprisingly normal sign of cognitive development. Justin and Kylie explain why kids lie, what their tall tales might be trying to tell us, and why cracking down can make children better at hiding the truth.

The goal isn't to catch your child out. It's to understand what they need and make honesty safe.

KEY POINTS

• By age four, around 80% of children will lie in experimental settings.
• Convincing lies require "theory of mind", the ability to understand what another person thinks or believes.
• Sometimes exaggeration is less about dishonesty and more about wanting connection, belonging, competence, or status.
• Punitive responses can encourage children to become better at lying rather than more honest.
• Avoid fact-checking or embarrassing your child in the moment.
• Give kids an "off-ramp" from a lie by asking curious questions instead of accusing them.
• Build the skills and relationships underneath the story so your child doesn't need to exaggerate to feel valued.

QUOTE OF THE EPISODE

"Kids tell the truth when it's safe to tell the truth."

RESOURCES MENTIONED

• Theory of mind and children's cognitive development
• Research on lying and child development
• Happy Families resources on helping kids build friendships

ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS

1. Stay calm. A young child's lie isn't automatically a red flag.
2. Look underneath it. Ask whether your child is seeking connection, competence, attention, or belonging.
3. Don't shame or ridicule them. Especially in front of other people.
4. Give them an off-ramp. Try, "Which parts did you do?" rather than catching them out.
5. Make honesty safe. Harsh punishment can make telling the truth feel too costly.
6. Build real competence. Help them practise the skill so next time they can proudly say, "I did it myself."

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