One can, the other cannot
Both are free
A god mask, a demon mask
The failure is wonderful indeed —Mumon’s poem
If I reflect back on my life, it is possible to see a series of failures, mistakes, broken dreams and incomplete projects. Relationships that I probably should have left before they ended, others that I probably shouldn’t have even pursued, still others that I could have worked harder to repair.
One Zen teacher said at the end of their life—one continuous mistake.
Ever feel this way?
From one perspective failure is the feeling that we most want to avoid….
From another, shame can be a kind of addiction, overwhelming us with feelings of self-pity and self-doubt so much so that we feel unable to take the next step.
If I zoom out a bit from the failure finding mind, I see that there is another way to view the series of events I call my life. It is possible to see each seeming mishap, embarrassing moment, failed relationship, broken dream, emotional scar as the terrain my soul needed to journey to arrive here.
In each of the scenarios my mind calls failures, I can see that I was doing the best I could given the thoughts, perspectives, emotional reactions and insight I had available to me in the moment.
Our lives also have a kind of mythos. If we continue to zoom out and see the totality of our lives, we can begin to catch wind of the mythic dimension to our living.
I recently encountered the fairytale The Maiden King. In this story, the main character reaches a kind of crisis point, he can no longer abide in the old way of being. He has left behind the false comfort of fractured relationships and beliefs he had about himself and the world. Stumbling around in the dark of the wood, feeling perhaps like a failure, an imposter, not quite up to the task, he comes to the house of Baba Yaga who asks him:
Did you come here of your own free will, or by compulsion?
I love this question. It rings like a koan.
Did you come here of your own free will, or by compulsion?
Here right here.
In the catastrophe of your life.
In the mystery of this embodiment.
How did you arrive?
What brought you here?
The hero responds, I came mostly by free will and twice as much from compulsion.
Ah, the truth of it.
Where we stand, where we sit, in the heart of our lives—can we really say how we got here? A dream, a desire, a heartbreak, a crisis, a response—is it anyone’s fault? What is free will when so much of life, the circumstances we encounter, the people we meet, the thoughts and sensations that arise in our experience are out of our control?
Sometimes the inner critic wants to blame us for the circumstances of our lives. In a desperate attempt at clawing at some semblance of certainty in this ever-changing field of existence we call the world—the critic says, it’s your fault, you failed, you’re not good enough, you did something wrong.
But life is often more mysterious than that. Our lives twist and turn and intersect with the lives of hundreds of thousands of millions of beings. Our life is part of this great web of interconnected life.
And yet, it seems that we can orient our hearts in a particular direction.
As we meet the circumstances, the people, the events, the inner landscape of our living we can orient the heart-mind towards kindness, openness, generosity, understanding.
We call this orientation vow.
We call this orientation practice.
Practicing with failure invites us to feel our lives.
To feel our fears.
To awaken a compassion that can companion any emotion or feeling.
It invites us to take responsibility for our lives—by meeting ourselves right where we are.
—in the dynamic non-dual truth of this— mostly free will, twice as much compulsion existence.
—in this— the failure is wonderful indeed— embrace.
There is no better life.
This life is our one life.
Could it really be—wonderful indeed?
…
I’m Amy Kisei. I am a Zen Buddhist Teacher, Spiritual Counselor, Astrologer and Artist. I offer 1:1 Spiritual Counseling sessions using IFS and somatic mindfulness. I also offer astrology readings. Check out my website to learn more. I currently live in Columbus, OH and am a supporting teacher for the Mud Lotus Sangha.
Summer Read— The Hidden Lamp: Stories from 25 Centuries of Awakened Women
Join me starting on the Summer Solstice, Friday June 20th for a summer read of the Hidden Lamp. I hand selected 15 stories from the book that we will explore over the course of the summer.
Weekly Online Meditation Event
Monday Night Dharma — 6P PT / 9P ET Join weekly for drop-in meditation and dharma talk. We are currently exploring supportive practice forms for engaging the dharma in life outside of retreat.
Feel free to join anytime. Event lasts about 1.5 hours. ZOOM LINK
Zen Practice opportunities through ZCO
Grasses, Trees and the Great Earth Sesshin—August 11 - 17, in-person at Great Vow Zen Monastery (this retreat is held outdoors, camping is encouraged but indoor dorm spaces are available)
In-Person in Columbus, Ohio through Mud Lotus Sangha
Interdependence Sesshin: A Five Day Residential Retreat Wednesday July 2 - Sunday July 6 in Montrose, WV at Saranam Retreat Center (Mud Lotus is hosting its first Sesshin!)
Weekly Meditations on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday
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