Leaving a harmful relationship is one thing. Staying gone can be another battle entirely.
Inspired by Ann’s story on the Legally Clueless podcast, this week Adelle explores what it actually means to choose yourself while trying to leave an emotionally abusive or harmful relationship and in the days, weeks and months after you’ve walked away. Because going back doesn’t make you weak.In this episode, we unpack why you can know someone is hurting you and still miss them, the role attachment and intermittent reinforcement can play in keeping us connected to harmful relationships, and why shame isn’t a useful tool for helping women leave.
Adelle also shares 8 practical ways to keep choosing yourself, including therapist Atsede Scarseth’s advice to create a “reality list,” use a 24-hour rule before making contact, remove easy access to an ex, ask yourself what you actually miss, and allow grief to exist without interpreting it as a sign that you should go back.
Plus: why you need a “don’t go back alone” system, how replacing the routines of a relationship can help you rebuild your life, and why returning to someone who hurt you can be treated as information rather than evidence that you’ve failed.
In this episode:
• Why leaving a harmful relationship can be so difficult
• Why going back does not make you weak
• Trauma bonds and intermittent reinforcement
• Making a reality list for moments of nostalgia
• The 24-hour rule when you want to reach out
• Removing easy access and creating boundaries
• Asking yourself what you actually miss
• Why missing someone doesn't mean leaving was a mistake
• Building a support system that doesn't shame you
• Replacing the routines your relationship once occupied
• What to ask yourself if you do go back
• Rebuilding self-trust after a harmful relationship
Therapist mentioned:Atsede Scarseth:
https://www.tiktok.com/@atsedescarseth
If you are experiencing abuse, coercive control, stalking or threats, please consider creating a safety plan and reaching out to a trusted person or domestic violence support service. Leaving an abusive relationship can sometimes increase risk, and you do not have to navigate that process alone.
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