The ‘Ham Sandwich’ Effect

The ‘Ham Sandwich’ Effect

Author: The New York Times February 17, 2022 Duration: 19:40
Before Andrew Limbong went off to college, his mother cautioned him about the dire consequences he would face if he hugged a girl. Andrew grew up in a strict Christian household, and his parents are Indonesian immigrants, so they never spoke about sex at home. When Andrew was 20, he met his first girlfriend, Sam. He felt his cultural and parental influences putting “pressure on my blood vessels, not allowing the blood to go where I oh so desperately wanted it to,” he wrote in his Modern Love essay in 2011. According to Andrew’s Muslim American friend, his fears were the result of the “ham sandwich” effect: the feeling of shame when you’re breaking family tradition. Today, we unpack this metaphor — and then we hear from Andrew. He gives us an update about him and Sam (it’s exciting), and he shares advice for others who are struggling to take a bite of their own ham sandwiches. Modern Love has a virtual event coming up: On March 9, we’ll share love stories written by readers and read by the Oscar nominee Ariana DeBose. RSVP at nytimes.com/morningatnight.

For two decades, the Modern Love column in The New York Times has offered a uniquely intimate window into how people navigate relationships, heartbreak, and connection. That same spirit of honest, personal storytelling finds its voice in this weekly podcast, hosted by Anna Martin. Here, the written essays are brought to life, often by notable actors, and expanded upon through Martin’s thoughtful conversations with the authors and other guests. They delve into the aftermath of the published story, exploring what was learned and how lives have unfolded since. You’ll hear about love in its many forms-romantic, familial, platonic, and self-love-across a spectrum of experiences that are by turns heartbreaking, awkward, humorous, and profoundly uplifting. This isn’t about fairytales, but the real, messy, and transformative moments that define us. The Modern Love podcast, from The New York Times, continues that essential tradition of sharing our most vulnerable stories to see our own lives more clearly. New episodes arrive every Wednesday.
Author: Language: English Episodes: 445

Modern Love
Podcast Episodes
A Widow's Guide to Sex [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 53:32
When Joan Price's husband died, her grief left her feeling alienated from her body. She was numb. She couldn’t have orgasms. Her sex drive disappeared. Joan understood better than most people the importance of a fulfilli…
Lindy West Thought She Couldn’t Handle Polyamory. She Was Wrong. [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 51:02
When she was growing up, the writer Lindy West was bombarded with negative messages about being fat. The whole world seemed to think she didn’t deserve love unless she lost weight. In her first book, “Shrill,” West wrote…
What Happened When My Dad and I Came Out to Each Other [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 37:53
Julia Stoller loved her dad. But she never wanted to be him. He was a rule follower, he was so serious, and he was so straight. Then, when Julia was in her 20s, she got a phone call that completely changed her idea of wh…
The Secret to True Romance [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 39:18
What we learned when you sent in stories of your most romantic moments. Plus, the king and queen of valentines.
The Real Story Behind Jennette McCurdy’s Novel “Half His Age.” [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 43:56
Please note: this episode contains explicit descriptions of sex. Jennette McCurdy pretty much grew up in front of an audience. In her role on the Nickelodeon show “iCarly,” she seemed like a bubbly, happy teenager. Behin…
I Was the Fun Dad. It Almost Destroyed My Marriage. [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 43:08
When Jordan Carlos looks back on the role he was playing in his family a few years ago, he does not like what he sees. He was bringing home a good salary as a comedian, but doing only the bare minimum as a husband and a…
I Tried to Toughen Up My Son. He Had Other Ideas. [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 56:14
Sam Graham-Felsen was not a tough child. He feared violence and didn’t feel that he could stand up for himself when he was bullied. His fear ate away at his confidence; he was afraid to go on dates, afraid to try hard in…