One Poem Only is a daily poetry podcast offering a quiet moment with a single poem—read aloud, without analysis or noise.

Aching

Brittany Searle Kempaiah

Unexpectedly.

There are moments I relish my arms being my arms again.

And then,

I ache for you.

I ache for the way you once fit in the crux of them

your head on my bare chest.

I ache for those moments I dreaded your screaming.

and the way it seemed to echo with accusations of my failure.

I ache for the days I wondered what I had done with my life.

and sat by your cot.

Begging you to forgive me for wanting to be me again.

I ache for your tiny brace I hated.

The thin clothes and baggy pants

that always seemed to draw eyes to us,

accusing me of not being enough to heal you.

I ache for your bald spot I tried to cover

and the tiny milk peoples I feared were a sign of sensitive skin.

The fear that your easily marked brown skin would scar

and you would blame me for allowing your perfection to be blemished.

I ache for your fumbling steps, your bruised head and scraped knees

that made me fear you were somehow becoming too much like me.

I ache for the bottles you wanted late at night.

To hold you in the rocking chair and sing you back to sleep,

without wishing it away.

I ache.

because I don’t really remember them.

They are fragments and illustrated by ideas of memories.

Feelings.

Senses.

Exhaustion.

But

I wasn’t really there.

This is what I took from myself.

Missing all our worst days

meant missing all our best.

And I will never be able to hold the tiny you again,

and love you perfectly,

I ache,

and I ache.

and I ache.

More from Brittany Searle Kempaiah ↓

• @brittanysearlekempaiahwords on Instagram
• She is currently working on three books: Waking Up in Darkness, a memoir about being diagnosed bi-polar while pregnant, Crossstich, a collection of random daily poems; and Travels with Poems, an exploration into types of poetry from around the word through the eyes of parents to busy to travel

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