Why Does My Wife Refuse Intimacy Beyond the Basics?

A husband writes in: seventeen years married, two kids, sex about twice a week, and a marriage he describes as "pretty darn good." But his wife will not try anything beyond the basics, and after years of asking he still does not know why she says no. Check out the blog post here for more details and links.

Here is the thing: she did tell him why. Four times. He wrote all four answers down in his own letter and heard them as one refusal. They are not one refusal. "I don't want that," "it doesn't feel good," "it's gross," and "maybe some other time" are four different problems wearing the same coat, and each one needs something different from him.

In this episode I work through what each of those answers is likely to mean, including why "gross" is almost always a moral word rather than a sanitary one, what our data says about premarital sexual activity and later sexual satisfaction, and why the detail that gives the whole thing away is not the oral sex at all. It is the flirty text she also will not send.

In this episode:

• (0:00) Intro
• (0:12) The question
• (2:10) Who ends up leading the sexual relationship
• (3:34) When the higher-drive spouse leads
• (5:29) She told you why. Four times.
• (5:58) "It's gross" is a moral word, not a sanitary one
• (7:43) Premarital acts and the 16% satisfaction gap
• (10:00) "It doesn't feel good" is a status report
• (11:14) "I'll never be good enough for you"
• (13:33) About that eye roll
• (14:57) The sacred cows
• (16:17) A note for wives and low-drive spouses
• (18:44) Where that leaves you

Links mentioned in this episode:

• Ask your own anonymous question
• Book a discovery call