Hey, Team!
Have you ever tried to motivate yourself or a loved one with a reward only to have the process backfire? There's a ton of research behind that experience, and that's what Dr Ozgur shares with us. This is particularly helpful insight, as we often try to pair rewards with new executive function skills, and in the process, we may be hindering, rather than supporting, growth!
Ozgur shares his personal history of high achievement leading to anxiety. When he realized his happiness depended on approval, he knew things needed to change--and he needed to show parents alternatives to the reward trap. On our show, we dive into how rewards can be a tool of control and Ozgur contrasts control-based questions (“How can I make my child do homework?”) with connection-based alternatives. He'll teach us to consider what’s actually going on beneath the surface of kids’ behavior — and how a simple shift in approach can change everything. All my love to you, team,
SarahYou will hear:00:41 Why Rewards Feel Weird01:46 The Reward Trap Story05:01 Compliance Versus Ownership06:06 Stickers And Values08:28 Rewards As Control08:35 ADHD Mismatch Not Deficit12:34 When Rewards Can Help16:52 Competence And Autonomy20:36 Hidden Cost Conditional Love21:57 Grades Mastery And Anxiety26:57 PEACE Model Alternative30:36 Discipline Over Motivation34:29 Wrap Up And SkittlesFrom the show:
PEACE model (Dr. Bolat’s evidence-based alternative to rewards):
- P — Perspective: What is my child’s perspective on this situation? Before reacting, get curious about how they’re seeing it.
- E — Emotion & Cognition: What is my child feeling and thinking? Children often express emotions through behavior, and understanding both helps parents respond to what’s actually going on.
- A — Ask About Needs: What need is driving this behavior? Every act of resistance or acting out is usually an unmet need in disguise.
- C — Commitment: How can I commit to solving the root problem, not just the surface behavior? Quick fixes don’t build lasting change — this step is about going deeper.
- E — Engagement: How do I stay engaged in creating a healthy environment for my child’s growth? This isn't a one-time fix; it’s an ongoing relationship built on connection, not control.
About the Author:
Dr. Özgür Bolat is a distinguished education scientist, researcher, associate professor, and author with a career spanning academia, media, and corporate partnerships. His groundbreaking research on parenting and teaching has earned him international recognition, including the prestigious Best Young Researcher award in New Zealand. He holds a master’s degree from Harvard Graduate School of Education (Fulbright and TEV scholar) and a PhD from the University of Cambridge. During his doctoral studies, he spent one year as a visiting PhD student at MIT Sloan. His academic work has been complemented by a successful media career, where he served as a columnist for a major national newspaper for 12 years, establishing himself as a leading voice in education and parenting. Dr. Bolat is a highly sought-after keynote speaker and parenting workshop leader.
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