Glenn Hutchinson, a psychotherapist who developed the personality science behind the assessments used by Match.com, explores one of the most misunderstood aspects of infidelity: why people sometimes violate their own values without fully understanding how they arrived there.
The conversation begins with a broader look at human behavior. Glenn explains that much of what drives our decisions happens outside conscious awareness. Using the familiar experience of driving on "autopilot," he argues that our unconscious mind is constantly shaping our judgments, emotions, and interactions long before we recognize it. As he puts it, "subjective experience is very deceiving," and "our behavior is more complicated. It comes from a deeper place than we realize."
A central theme is how people interpret situations through mental categories rather than objective reality. Someone may believe they are "just being friendly" instead of crossing emotional boundaries, or see an affair as "a unique situation" rather than recognizing it for what it is. Glenn explains that these unconscious mental frameworks can influence behavior in powerful ways, even for people who genuinely see themselves as honest and faithful.
The discussion also challenges the tendency to blame oneself after betrayal. Glenn explains that there is "no evidence" that a partner's infidelity means the betrayed person was lacking. He discusses several research-backed risk factors, including growing up aware of parental infidelity, having many sexual partners before marriage, and an anxious attachment style, while emphasizing that these are risk factors—not predictions—and that greater self-awareness and healthy boundaries matter far more.
The conversation concludes with practical guidance for both preventing and recovering from infidelity. Glenn argues that no one is completely immune to temptation, making honest communication and emotional openness essential in long-term relationships. For those healing after betrayal, he advises avoiding rash decisions, finding a trusted person to talk to, and recognizing that recovery takes time. As he says, "The first thing you got to do is become aware of it." Lasting change begins by recognizing the unconscious assumptions that shape behavior and gradually aligning actions with personal values.
Get Glenn's book, Unfaithful Minds, here: https://tinyurl.com/ybxtnrcs
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