Ending a Mentoring Relationship Well
What do you do whenever major life circumstances pop up that get in the way of your mentoring relationship?
Maybe your mentee goes off to college or moves to a new community?
Perhaps you get a new job and have to move across town or to another state?
What if you started mentoring when you were single, but now have a family with a bunch of little kids running around?
Whatever the case may be, the reality is there will probably come a day when your mentoring relationship ends. When this happens, finishing well and providing healthy closure is key in maintaining a positive outlook on the mentoring experience.
For me personally, I had a lot of mentors in my life, and anytime one would leave… I would take it personal. This had nothing to do with my mentor, but everything to do with my past.
We must remember that our mentees are kids. Some have wounds, significant wounds, that haven’t been healed yet. Grace has to abound with our mentees. You may do everything right, and they will still be hurt and mad at you. That’s ok. You are strong and mature enough to absorb that.
Some of our mentees have been abandoned in the past, either by a family member or by another mentor. Kids who have been left are constantly looking for ways to avoid being hurt. They have a hard time believing the best. They tend to assume the worst, with good reason.
Them getting into a relationship in the first place takes a ridiculous amount of courage. That’s the thing about relationships, they can be risky. Why? Because you have to give trust. Trust that they will do good by you and not hurt you.
That is why leaving can be so hard, but here are 5 things you can do to help leave in the healthiest way possible.
- Celebrate: We suggest having some sort of event to celebrate your mentoring relationship. Invite everyone who was involved with the mentoring relationship, meaning your family, their family, and any mentoring organization who helped facilitate the relationship. Talk about memories that you created and milestone that the mentee hit. Discuss all the good things that happened in your relationship.
- Network: If the mentee has a desire to continued to be mentored, perhaps go through your network and see if anyone you know can take your place. You may be in a season where you don’t have the margin to mentor, but what about your co-worker, neighbor, or family member. If the mentee and their family agree to the new mentor, you can help create a new match. Bonus points if the mentee already knows the new mentor and you can facilitate the exchange in person.
- Promises: Be careful about making promises that you are not sure you can can keep. We all know that we have the best of intentions, but we do not want to disappoint our mentees with unfulfilled promises.
- Communicate: Even though you may not be formally mentoring your mentee anymore, that doesn’t mean you cannot communicate with them. If you’d still like to stay connected to your mentee, find a time to talk and put in into your calendar. I know a mentor who called his former mentee every Sunday night at 8pm for years. Especially as your mentee grows and matures, It truly is fun to watch them go from child to adult and mentee to peer.
- Affirm them: Anytime someone leaves a mentee who has been left before, it can create an opportunity for the enemy to creep in and lie to them. I would believe things like “I did something wrong”, “I’m unlovable”, and “This is always going to happen”.
If you get the sense that your mentee is feeling abandonment by your leaving, dispel those potential lies by stating the truth: Say “You did nothing wrong and I still care for you”, “You are lovable. This is more about me than you.” and “People will come and go, but that doesn’t mean they don’t love you.”
Ending a relationship, especially with a mentee who you have grown close to, will always be a tough deal. But you can facilitate closure in a healthy way by celebrating what the Lord did in your relationship and setting your mentee up for future mentoring relationships. All good things must come to an end, and mentoring is no different.
