All Frustration Comes From Unmet Expectations
There is a temptation in mentoring to try to get your mentee to emulate all that worked for you. You want your mentee to go to college, get a job, wear a suit, and get married because you went to college, got a job, wore a suit, and got married. But what if your mentee doesn’t want to go to college? What if instead of a suit and high-and-tight haircut, he prefers baggy jeans and dreadlocks? Will you be disappointed?
A saying that rings true especially when mentoring kids from hard places is, “All frustration comes from unmet expectations.” I know for me, I had unspoken expectations that I placed on my mentee without even knowing it.
I expected them to make good grades, to be polite, and to have athletic success. I wanted them to dress a certain way, speak a certain way, and go to church.
Don’t get me wrong, these are all good things. There is nothing wrong with giving your mentee the option to do as you have done. But your way is one way, it is not the way. We must be careful not to get caught up trying to get them to emulate us instead of Christ.
I know for me, when my mentees desires didn’t line up with my desires for them, it caused frustration in our relationship. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t want the things that I wanted for them. It would cause me to judge them unfairly, and it caused a rift in our relationship.
Your mentee is different than you. He or she has a different story, different skills, and a different personality than you. Work with your mentee to figure out what God’s unique, individual call and plan is for him or her.
Focus instead on making disciples of Christ. The first step is letting go of the expectations you have for your mentee. As hard as it may be, don’t focus on the end results. Instead, focus on the process of showing up and loving them right where they are. Love them right where they are and accept them just as they are, instead of getting on to them because they are not where you think they should be.
When our expectations aren’t met, frustration sets in. When negativity enters your relationship, the enemy uses it to wreak havoc on the trust you’ve built together. It’s okay to hope your mentee goes to college or has athletic success, but don’t expect it. Expectation is rigid, but hope is flexible. Expectation is assuming something will happen. Hope is wishing or desiring good to happen. Don’t bury your mentee with the weight of having to live up to your expectations.
We all have dreams for our mentees, and there is nothing wrong with that. But a question to ask your mentee is “What are your dreams?” Once you know what they want, you can focus on making their dreams come true, instead of the dreams that you want for them.
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