369: GuyTalk: Setting healthy boundaries with parents

Did you have healthy boundaries modeled for you when you were growing up? Do you feel like you know how to set healthy boundaries with your folks?

If not, then some of these things may apply:

• You felt like (or continue to feel like) you need to take care of your mom or dad
• You don't really feel free to live your life as you'd like because you know this might "hurt" one or both of your parents
• While growing up and/or when you're home these days, you have to walk on eggshells so as not to upset them
• You feel that their emotional wellbeing is somehow your responsibility (As one man on the panel put it, "As long as I please them, they won’t be emotionally unstable.)
• You've heard terms like 'enmeshment' or 'emotional neglect' and thought, "Hmmm, that might apply to me."
• You just have an intuitive sense that you need to set some boundaries with one or both of your parents.

---

In this panel discussion, four men share their raw, authentic and vulnerable truths around boundaries they've needed to set with their mothers, fathers, or both. We also hit on some highlights around Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), since many emotionally immature parents have BPD patterns.

---

Memorable quotes from this episode:

• “The real hammer came down when my mom figured it out.”
• “I just remember the house being filled with almost like an emotional toxic gas.”
• “She said, ‘You’re gonna tell me NO?’ — and I’m 32 years old and trembling.”
• “I was at the mercy of conditional love.”
• “I needed to claim my sense of self.”
• “Before I got sober, I couldn’t even conceptualize what boundaries were.”
• “I don’t have a mother; I have a 60-year-old child.”
• “My role was: ‘I am responsible for healing my mom’s depression and sadness.’”
• “The two most important women in my life — my mother and my partner — are now at odds with each other.”
• “So I told my parents: 'The next time we have a conversation about my relationship with my woman, she will be there in the room with us.'”
• “I have true confidence now. I know what I need, and this is what I need from you.”
• “No one has the remote control to my emotions; they get the manual.”
• “I started to realize how much my autonomy was impacted, disrupted, and denied.”
• “When I set that boundary with my parents, my partner was just thrilled, and proud and happy.”
• “It was like no matter what I did, she was always going to be right... there was no space for me to exist.”
• “There is no capacity for this person to see where she has hurt others.”
• “As I pulled back more and more, the neediness ramped up and up and up.”
• “Mom, I’m sorry — I can’t have a relationship with you right now.”
• “There’s a part of me that just wanted to be the ‘good boy.’”
• “I’ve been no contact with my mom for six years, and honestly it’s been a relief.”
• “I started to come to myself from a place of compassion rather than from a place of shame.”
• “I really did make every effort possible for us to have a healthy relationship.”
• “If you’re feeling stuck, that’s the perfect time to reach out for help.”
• “You are not alone.”

---

Mentioned on this episode:

• Dear Men 354: What's it like treating Borderline Personality Disorder?
• Dear Men 345: The 4 male 'types' that partner with women with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
• Dear Men 128: Feel like you're walking on eggshells? Recognizing Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)