Hatchet (2006) Review

Hatchet (2006) Review

Author: Horror Movie Talk: Horror Movie Review December 21, 2022 Duration: 0:00

We watched Hatchet on Tubi and were treated to one of the most generic comedic slashers I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website.

https://youtu.be/9wiSir2Cs18

Synopsis

Twenty somethings are in New Orleans and decide it will be fun to go on a haunted swamp tour. 

What they don’t realize is that this is Victor Crowley’s (Kane Hodder) swamp.

Who is Victor Crowley? Besides being a close personal friend of Ozzy Osborne, he is a troubled man who lived a troubled life full of cruelty inflicted upon him by local kids. Victor’s ghost(?) now haunts the swamp where he was tragically killed by happenstance and tragedy.

Everyone gets way more ripped apart than they bargained for.

Hatchet movie poster

Review

I chose to review Hatchet because I’m having a hard time in my personal life and this seemed like the kind of thing that I could handle.

I was right. There is nothing here to make me feel feelings. Just mindless distraction in the form of sex, violence, and heinous monstrosities against God.

The comedy is without feeling. The violence is without warrant. The concept is as old as film. Monster bad – but monster also tragic – but get out of my swamp.

There are attempts at comedy that do not land. There is gratuitous violence that sloshes buckets of blood all over the place. There are even hot girls shooting softcore porno.

Watch Hatchet (2006)

Buy or Rent on Amazon

Hatchet movie poster

Adam Green is the director of Hatchet, which is clearly an homage to 80’s and 90’s slashers the likes of Candyman, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the 13th

Green manages to conjure all of the basics from these legendary slasher titles with absolutely none of the heart of any of them. 

Horror icons Kane Hodder, Robert Englund, and Tony Todd are featured in hatchet. Todd and Englund as fun cameos and Hodder as Crowley himself.

This is as boring and lifeless a movie as I can imagine and it helped me through a tough time.

Sometimes a mindless waste of time filled with brimming buckets of blood is exactly what the doctor ordered.

Hatchet proves that movies don’t have to be good or fun or anything but a waste of time. 

Score

4/10


There's a particular kind of conversation that happens after the credits roll on a scary movie, when you're dissecting the jump scares and debating the monster's motives. Horror Movie Talk captures that exact feeling, serving up weekly discussions that are as much about the genuine love of the genre as they are about critique. Hosted by a team whose passion is palpable, this podcast delves into everything from the latest chilling release haunting theaters to those hidden gems-or notorious flops-you can find on streaming services. The analysis is sharp and deeply opinionated, but the chemistry between the hosts often leads the conversation into unexpectedly funny territory. It’s this blend of thoughtful review and spontaneous humor that defines the show. You'll hear passionate debates about cinematic technique, nods to classic influences, and honest reactions to whether a film truly delivers the scares. Tuning in each Wednesday feels like pulling up a chair with friends who’ve just seen the same movie, armed with strong opinions and a willingness to laugh at the absurdities that make horror so enduring. For anyone who lives for that post-viewing breakdown, this is a consistently engaging listen.
Author: Language: English Episodes: 464

Horror Movie Talk
Podcast Episodes
Talk To Me Review with Jordyn Wilson [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 0:00
In A24’s newest horror movie, we get the expected mix of horror, dread, and emotion that you expect with the brand. Synopsis Talk to Me is about a young group of friends who get wrapped into the latest social media trend…
Willy’s Wonderland Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 1:13:18
Willy’s Wonderland can be found on Hulu right now, but who knows once this comes out. Synopsis Willy’s Wonderland follows a nameless cool guy in sunglasses played by Nic Cage as he stumbles into an intricate and deadly t…
Shutter (2004) Review with Dustin Goebel [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 0:00
Does this Shutter make you shudder? I’ll see myself out… Synopsis After a night out with friends, a photographer named Tun and his girlfriend Jane are driving home when they accidentally hit a woman in the street. Instea…
Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 1:27:49
Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves is a fun, action/comedy that makes you wonder why it took so long to get a decent D&D movie made. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out…
Barbie Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 0:00
Come on Barbie let’s go cry, oh oh no. Synopsis Barbie is about a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world Life in plastic, it’s fantastic That’s until she starts having intrusive thoughts of death, and her body undergoes changes…
Renfield Review with Guest Host Erin Hanson [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 0:00
Is it a horror movie or an action movie? It doesn’t matter, Nic Cage turns in one of the best performances of his career. Synopsis Renfield tells the story of Count Dracula’s titular servant struggling to become self act…
The Village (2004) Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 1:20:11
The Village was voted on by our patrons who have very good taste, because this M. Night movie still works. @dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. https://youtu.be/sTG…
Audition Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 0:00
Audition is just one of those movies, you know. Synopsis The film follows Shigeharu Aoyama (Ryo Ishibashi) a widower that upon encouragement from his college age (?) son decides to find a new wife. After sharing his inte…
The Hobbit (1977) Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 1:27:50
We watched the Hobbit and were transported to Middle Earth to find gold, truth, and destiny. https://youtu.be/WqGzCOL3XU4 Synopsis A Little person named Bilbo is whisked away from his home by other little people and thei…
The Omen (1976) Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 0:00
The demon child cursed our recording session. Listen to take three of this episode where I was sucked of all life. Synopsis Gregory Peck plays Robert Thorn, a wealthy and politically influential man who unbeknownst to hi…