Hatchet (2006) Review

Hatchet (2006) Review

Author: Horror Movie Talk: Horror Movie Review December 21, 2022 Duration: 0:00

We watched Hatchet on Tubi and were treated to one of the most generic comedic slashers I’ve ever seen in my entire life.

@dgoebel00 on Instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website.

https://youtu.be/9wiSir2Cs18

Synopsis

Twenty somethings are in New Orleans and decide it will be fun to go on a haunted swamp tour. 

What they don’t realize is that this is Victor Crowley’s (Kane Hodder) swamp.

Who is Victor Crowley? Besides being a close personal friend of Ozzy Osborne, he is a troubled man who lived a troubled life full of cruelty inflicted upon him by local kids. Victor’s ghost(?) now haunts the swamp where he was tragically killed by happenstance and tragedy.

Everyone gets way more ripped apart than they bargained for.

Hatchet movie poster

Review

I chose to review Hatchet because I’m having a hard time in my personal life and this seemed like the kind of thing that I could handle.

I was right. There is nothing here to make me feel feelings. Just mindless distraction in the form of sex, violence, and heinous monstrosities against God.

The comedy is without feeling. The violence is without warrant. The concept is as old as film. Monster bad – but monster also tragic – but get out of my swamp.

There are attempts at comedy that do not land. There is gratuitous violence that sloshes buckets of blood all over the place. There are even hot girls shooting softcore porno.

Watch Hatchet (2006)

Buy or Rent on Amazon

Hatchet movie poster

Adam Green is the director of Hatchet, which is clearly an homage to 80’s and 90’s slashers the likes of Candyman, A Nightmare on Elm Street, and Friday the 13th

Green manages to conjure all of the basics from these legendary slasher titles with absolutely none of the heart of any of them. 

Horror icons Kane Hodder, Robert Englund, and Tony Todd are featured in hatchet. Todd and Englund as fun cameos and Hodder as Crowley himself.

This is as boring and lifeless a movie as I can imagine and it helped me through a tough time.

Sometimes a mindless waste of time filled with brimming buckets of blood is exactly what the doctor ordered.

Hatchet proves that movies don’t have to be good or fun or anything but a waste of time. 

Score

4/10


There's a particular kind of conversation that happens after the credits roll on a scary movie, when you're dissecting the jump scares and debating the monster's motives. Horror Movie Talk captures that exact feeling, serving up weekly discussions that are as much about the genuine love of the genre as they are about critique. Hosted by a team whose passion is palpable, this podcast delves into everything from the latest chilling release haunting theaters to those hidden gems-or notorious flops-you can find on streaming services. The analysis is sharp and deeply opinionated, but the chemistry between the hosts often leads the conversation into unexpectedly funny territory. It’s this blend of thoughtful review and spontaneous humor that defines the show. You'll hear passionate debates about cinematic technique, nods to classic influences, and honest reactions to whether a film truly delivers the scares. Tuning in each Wednesday feels like pulling up a chair with friends who’ve just seen the same movie, armed with strong opinions and a willingness to laugh at the absurdities that make horror so enduring. For anyone who lives for that post-viewing breakdown, this is a consistently engaging listen.
Author: Language: English Episodes: 464

Horror Movie Talk
Podcast Episodes
Immaculate Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 0:00
Immaculate, starring Sydney Sweeney is the new religious horror film that we’ll be reviewing today, and it goes hard at the end, so stay tuned. Synopsis Immaculate tells the story of a young American woman with heavy nat…
An American Werewolf in London Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 0:00
Synopsis Two American tourists David and Jack are hiking through Europe when they are attacked by a giant wolf in the northern moorlands of Britain. A month later during the full moon, David turns into a werewolf. But no…
Imaginary Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 0:00
Synopsis Imaginary is a PG-13 horror film about Jessica, an artist and author who recently married Max and joined his family, becoming a stepmother to two girls. When Jessica’s father is moved into a retirement home, the…
The Collector Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 0:00
Synopsis When a single dad who owes child support decides to rob a rich family’s home while he thinks they’re on vacation, he unexpectedly gets locked inside of a major house of horrors, with a sadistic mask wearing man…
The Void Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 0:00
Synopsis A cop named Daniel drives an injured man to an understaffed hospital after he finds him bleeding in the woods. Upon arrival, Daniel realizes this will not be just another day on the job as he is quickly forced t…
The House of the Devil Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 0:00
Before X and Pearl, Ti West brought us this 70’s horror callback. Synopsis Twelve years before the success of movies X and Pearl, Ti West’s first breakout feature film The House of the Devil was released. This film follo…
Lisa Frankenstein Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 0:00
Critics are split on this new movie from Zelda Williams and Diablo Cody, but We’re nearly unanimous, Lisa Frankenstein is a good time and you should go see it in theaters. Synopsis Set in the late 80’s, Lisa is the weird…
V/H/S Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 0:00
Synopsis Four petty criminals who film their violent crimes are strapped for cash, so they find a job to break into a creepy old house to steal a mysterious VHS tape. Once they’re inside, they slowly realize that this ex…
Suspiria (1977) Review [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 0:00
Synopsis Suspiria (1977) (not to be confused with Suspiria 2018) is a movie about a young American woman named Suzie who relocates to Germany to join a prestigious dance academy. As Suzie begins to adjust to her new life…