You’re Probably Thinking About Boundaries All Wrong

You’re Probably Thinking About Boundaries All Wrong

Author: The New York Times April 23, 2025 Duration: 39:29
KC Davis is a therapist and author known for her practical, empathetic advice on dealing with clutter, even when you are feeling like too much of a mess yourself to take care of the mess in your home. Her TikTok videos on the subject have been viewed millions of times. But lately, Davis has been talking and writing about our relationships not just to the objects in our lives, but to the people, too. In her new book, “Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship,” Davis tries to disentangle the popular understanding of boundaries, saying the concept is widely misunderstood. She offers a guide to forming and keeping boundaries that help readers better navigate their conflicts with other people. On this episode of “Modern Love," Davis tells us what she thinks we get wrong about boundaries and how we should be thinking about them instead. She reads the Modern Love essay “Is My Husband a Doormat?” about a sudden argument between a couple 20 years into their relationship and talks about how boundaries can help defuse such situations. Davis also tells us how boundaries helped heal her own relationship with her father. The author of today’s featured essay, Lidija Hilje, has a new novel coming out in July called “Slanting Towards the Sea.“ For an upcoming episode about location sharing, the Modern Love team wants to hear your location-sharing story. Did something happen that made you regret sharing your location with someone? Was there a moment when you were thankful that you had? Where were you? What happened? How did your relationship change as a result? The deadline is May 1. Submission instructions are here. Here’s how to submit a Modern Love essay to The New York Times Here’s how to submit a Tiny Love Story

For two decades, the Modern Love column in The New York Times has offered a uniquely intimate window into how people navigate relationships, heartbreak, and connection. That same spirit of honest, personal storytelling finds its voice in this weekly podcast, hosted by Anna Martin. Here, the written essays are brought to life, often by notable actors, and expanded upon through Martin’s thoughtful conversations with the authors and other guests. They delve into the aftermath of the published story, exploring what was learned and how lives have unfolded since. You’ll hear about love in its many forms-romantic, familial, platonic, and self-love-across a spectrum of experiences that are by turns heartbreaking, awkward, humorous, and profoundly uplifting. This isn’t about fairytales, but the real, messy, and transformative moments that define us. The Modern Love podcast, from The New York Times, continues that essential tradition of sharing our most vulnerable stories to see our own lives more clearly. New episodes arrive every Wednesday.
Author: Language: English Episodes: 100

Modern Love
Podcast Episodes
A Therapist’s Emotional Tool Kit for a Better Holiday Season [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 44:07
The holiday season is upon us. It’s a wonderful time, but if we’re being honest, it’s also a little stressful. Whether you’re worried about hosting a big family gathering, talking with cousins who have very different per…
There's a Better Way for Couples to Talk About Money [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 42:47
According to Ramit Sethi, a personal finance author and coach, a lot of couples get stuck bickering about everyday purchases. If you’re hung up on what’s in the cart at Target, or who’s buying too many iced teas on the w…
On Our Third Date, I Asked for a Joint Bank Account [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 45:54
Janene Lin loathed the moment when the dinner bill would hit the table. When her date would pay, she felt like her love was for sale. Splitting the bill felt like no one had anything at stake. Most of the time, she would…
The Love Poem Andrea Gibson Wrote for Their Widow...and for You [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 55:32
Andrea Gibson was the poet laureate of Colorado and a giant of the spoken word poetry scene. This past July, Gibson died of ovarian cancer, leaving behind their devoted fans, friends, family and longtime partner, the poe…
W.N.B.A. Star Natasha Cloud Doesn’t Play When It Comes to Love [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 38:29
Natasha Cloud is a powerhouse. The New York Liberty point guard seems to have it all: a successful W.N.B.A. career, fierce confidence and a loving relationship with her girlfriend and teammate, Isabelle Harrison. On and…
The Woman Who Can Make Affairs Disappear [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 31:53
In cities across China, there’s a special kind of consultant you can hire if you find out your spouse is cheating. They’re called “mistress dispellers,” and their job is to work their way into your spouse’s life, get clo…
Malala Thought She’d Never Fall in Love [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 55:53
When she was 15 years old, Malala Yousafzai was shot by the Taliban, targeted for saying that young women should have the right to an education. By the time she woke from the ensuing coma, the world had already cast her…
Tessa Thompson on Finding What You Want (What You Really, Really Want) [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 39:50
Tessa Thompson’s latest role is an infamously chaotic one: Hedda Gabler. Adapted from the classic play by Henrik Ibsen, “Hedda,” in select theaters Oct. 22, casts Thompson as a 1950s housewife who feels snubbed by an old…
For Her 70th Birthday, She Hired an Escort [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 36:54
Gail Rice, a writer and a therapist, was approaching her 70th birthday. She had given up on dating apps and hadn’t had a romantic connection with anyone in years. But for her 70th, she wanted a very specific birthday pre…
How an Off-Script Moment Changed Jay Duplass’s Life [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 42:32
Jay Duplass knows the power of improvisation. Many years ago, an unscripted, cliffside interaction changed his life, helping to set in motion the events that would lead to his new movie, “The Baltimorons.” The film featu…