PRP026 Sibling Rivalry with Dr Laura Markham Part 2

Show Notes: Sibling Rivalry with Dr Laura Markham Part 2

The second in a Two Part Series with Dr Laura Markham where we learn how our parenting behaviour can influence the relationship between our kids, and facilitate sibling rivalry, or sibling friendship. If you missed the first in the series, listen to Part One here. You can find more wonderful resources from Dr Laura Markham at Aha! Parenting, including heaps of amazing free content, the two books we discuss here: Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids, and Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings, as well as lots of great audio content and a parenting course.
Summary
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What Undermines Sibling Relationships?
Taking Sides

The target of blame feels like a bad kid. - Like you don't love them. - So they pick on the other sibling.
The defended child doesn't learn to stand up for himself. Instead learns to call you to solve any issues, and begins to worry if the other child is appreciated (in case it is a role reversal).

Solutions

In the moment: Keep it even. E.g. When you hear commotion “Is everyone having fun in there? It sounds like someone isn’t liking this.”

Coach self-defence: “Honey, you don’t look too happy about this. You can tell your sister if you don’t like this game.”
Empathise with both aggressor and victim: “You love doing x, but it seems he isn’t liking that very much.”
Invite solutions: “So what else could we do. How about your toys play the students?”
Set limits: e.g. “No pushing, pushing hurts”.

Preventative Maintenance: Spend one on one time with each child. Aggression comes from fear.


Punishment

If we use punishment to teach lessons, our children will also use punishment to teach lessons.
Children don't learn well when they are emotional. They learn when they are calm.
Punishment makes the child feel unsafe, and escalates emotional disregulation.
Punishment also sends the message that love is conditional on good behaviour.
What children learn from smacking is that physical aggression is part of intimate relationships.

Solutions

Phase 1: Damage control and calm down. You cannot teach during this time.

Phase 2: Connect with your child.

Phase 3: Problem solving.


Time Out
Time out was developed as a very good alternative to spanking. It is based on behavioural psychology, but children are much more complex than rats.
The problems:

Assumes that the behaviour is chosen. Mostly children lash out because they are emotionally disregulated.
Sending your loved ones away when they most need support undermines connection, and inhibits emotional processing.
Due to the perceived love withdrawal, children misbehave more in the long run and moral development suffers.
Children who calm down alone tend to repress their emotions.
Time out doesn't deal with the source of the behaviour. The emotions are still there, and will flare up and affect behaviour.

Solutions

Time to calm down is important, but that can be done with time in and emotion coaching.
Use emotion coaching – acknowledge their emotions, listen to their point of view.
Humans respond to influence and connection more than punishment.

Children want a warm relationship with you more than anything else.
If you have been punishing, the first step is to restore that relationship.


If a child is grumpy due to hunger, we feed him, we don’t worry about whether we are rewarding the misbehaviour....