A Veteran Sex Worker-Turned-Death Doula on Domination, Self-Defense, Sober Sex & Life Lessons from the Dying with Vanessa Carlisle

A Veteran Sex Worker-Turned-Death Doula on Domination, Self-Defense, Sober Sex & Life Lessons from the Dying with Vanessa Carlisle

Author: Courtney Kocak August 5, 2026 Duration: 47:09

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For the 271st episode of Private Parts Unknown, host Courtney Kocak welcomes author, sex educator, longtime sex worker, and death doula Vanessa Carlisle.

After 27 years in sex work and a new foray into death work, Vanessa has a fascinating perspective into professional human connection. In this episode, Vanessa reflects on getting into sex work at 19, becoming a professional dominatrix, how sex work shaped their understanding of intimacy, founding Hooker’s Army to teach self-defense to sex workers, and co-writing Awaken Your Sexuality, a guide to reconnecting with sexuality after trauma and addiction. We also talk about sober sex and learning to communicate what you want without relying on substances, plus Vanessa’s unexpected path to becoming a death doula and what working with the dying has taught them about how to live.

For more Vanessa Carlisle:


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Curious about how desire and intimacy shape lives in different corners of the globe? Private Parts Unknown: Sex & Love Around the World takes you on a journey, guided by host Courtney Kocak, that treats human connection with the same insightful and adventurous spirit as a travel documentary. This isn't a clinical discussion; it's a series of frank, often hilarious, and always sex-positive conversations that peel back the layers on topics many shy away from. Courtney and her expert guests dive into everything from polyamory and sex work to the complexities of PMDD and the cultural nuances of practices like Shibari, all with the goal of destigmatizing the vast spectrum of human experience. The podcast distinguishes itself with dedicated travel series, transporting you to the streets of Mexico City, the design districts of Helsinki, and the neon-lit alleys of Tokyo to explore local seductive subcultures and attitudes firsthand. Each episode feels like a candid chat with well-informed friends, blending personal narrative with global perspective. You'll come away from this podcast with a deeper understanding of how love, gender, and relationships are lived and celebrated worldwide, all while being thoroughly entertained. It’s for anyone who believes the most fascinating landscapes are often the intimate ones we carry within us and build with others.
Author: Language: English Episodes: 50

Private Parts Unknown: Sex & Love Around the World
Podcast Episodes
Stuck in a Sex Rut? Ian Kerner Helps Us Repair Our Love Lives with "So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex" [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 45:50
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Stuck in a Sex Rut? Ian Kerner Helps Us Repair Our Love Lives with "So Tell Me About the Last Time You Had Sex" [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 48:35
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Trad Wives, Momfluencers & Sex After Kids with Jo Piazza [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 31:13
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Trad Wives, Momfluencers & Sex After Kids with Jo Piazza [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 32:57
Save 10% on your next Fleshlight with promo code PRIVATE10 at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠fleshlight.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. For the 263rd episode of Private Parts Unknown,…
Who Owns a Baby? Sophie Lewis on Ethical Surrogacy & the Future of Pregnancy [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 35:16
Save 10% on your next Fleshlight with promo code PRIVATE10 at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠fleshlight.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.For the 262nd episode of Private Parts Unknown, hos…
Who Owns a Baby? Sophie Lewis on Ethical Surrogacy & the Future of Pregnancy [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 37:01
Save 10% on your next Fleshlight with promo code PRIVATE10 at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠fleshlight.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. For the 262nd episode of Private Parts Unknown, ho…
My Tokyo Happy Ending Massage Changed Everything I Thought I Knew About Sex and Pleasure [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 18:22
Save 10% on your next Fleshlight with promo code PRIVATE10 at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠fleshlight.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.For the 261st episode of Private Parts Unknown,…
My Tokyo Happy Ending Massage Changed Everything I Thought I Knew About Sex and Pleasure [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 20:06
Save 10% on your next Fleshlight with promo code PRIVATE10 at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠fleshlight.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. For the 261st episode of Private Parts Unknown…
“How to Make Me Come”: Emma Koenig Explores the Female Orgasm & What Makes Women "Moan" [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 39:51
Save 10% on your next Fleshlight with promo code PRIVATE10 at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠fleshlight.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠.For the 260th episode of Private Parts Unknown, h…
“How to Make Me Come”: Emma Koenig Explores the Female Orgasm & What Makes Women "Moan" [not-audio_url] [/not-audio_url]

Duration: 41:36
Save 10% on your next Fleshlight with promo code PRIVATE10 at ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠fleshlight.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠. For the 260th episode of Private Parts Unknown,…