SWM 141 – AQ August 2024 – Transactional sex, no sex due to birth, lube recommendations and more

AQ August 2024 - Transactional sex, no sex due to birth, lube recommendations and more. Check out the show notes here for more details and links.

Today, we’re tackling questions from our anonymous Have A Question page. These are questions that people had and didn’t know where else to ask, and they were too shy to send an email. As such, I don’t have any way to respond to them other than through the blog and podcast, and I also can’t ask any follow-up questions, so we go with what we have.

Our supporters have also discussed these questions in the forum and shared their thoughts, and in episodes like this one, I share my answers informed by my own experiences both as a husband and a marriage coach, as well as those shared in the forum.

These questions all came in during August of this year.

Hi Jay, I’ve been following you for a while, and my question is, is it wrong for me to want my wife to adore me during sex? I have a problem with the notion that sex is supposed to be more of a reward for men and that they are supposed to pursue that more so than for women. I want my wife to pursue me. She has told me before that if I do something like a chore etc., maybe we’ll have sex later, like it’s a reward or incentive for me. I find this to be a real turnoff and told her why do you think I would want to have sex? She seemed confused when I said this. I want her to prize me and adore me, not see me as someone who has to work for her affection. For this reason sex has actually lost most of its appeal for me. I don’t want to feel like she’s rewarding me for something when we have sex. I want to feel like this is how we please and satisfy each other. How do I change this dynamic?

She’s separated sex from the relationship and turned herself into a prostitute, exchanging sex for other services. She made sex transactional instead of relational, and that’s why you’re not interested.

Much of the world now considers only wanting sex in a loving relationship to be an oddity. It even has a name - demisexual, as if you’re only partially sexual if you only have sex in loving relationships. But I believe this is how we’re supposed to be. It’s how we were created. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be turned off by her approach to sex and exchanging it for tasks.