#311: Am I a Governer or an Adviser

In this episode, Kim John Payne offers a quick overview of the Soul of Discipline framework and then focuses on a common confusion in the early years: the difference between being a governor and being an advisor. He explains that during the first seven to nine years, parents serve as the governor of the family state, establishing values, rhythms, and how things are done. Later comes the gardener phase (around nine to twelve), where parents listen, coach, and then decide. Finally, in the teenage years, parents become guides, helping young people stay true to their direction rather than imposing opinions.

Kim highlights how easily parents can drift from governor into advisor territory, often out of a desire to be polite or respectful. Phrases like "shall we all get into the car?" or "who would like to put their coat on?" unintentionally position the child as the decision-maker. While this may smooth things over in the moment, it creates confusion about who is leading the family and leaves children feeling less secure. Kim even suggests that some parents drift further into what he calls "butler" territory, where they feel they are serving the children rather than guiding them. He encourages parents to spend a week observing themselves from the “balcony", noticing whether they offer too many open-ended choices. Closed ended choices ("you may choose between toast and cereal") keep parents in the governor role, while open-ended questions ("what would you like for breakfast?") hand authority to the child. The goal is to fold children into the warm, safe structure of family leadership.

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