What if the single biggest factor in whether we come out, when we come out, and how we heal along the way is the community around us? Dr. Mallory Hanfling returns to the show, this time with research in hand. Mallory recently completed her PhD in human sexuality, and her dissertation explored how community mitigates the impact of compulsory heterosexuality on the Firefly experience, the journey of those who discover something new about their sexuality or gender after committing to a relationship that appeared straight from the outside.
Mallory shares why she coined the term Firefly, what her 21 participants taught her about the systems that keep us underground, and why the people we surround ourselves with shape everything about this journey. We talk about grief, religious communities, workplace culture, family planning, neurodivergence, and how to choose online spaces that truly support us. Whether you are 30 or 86, this conversation is a reminder that we were never meant to do this alone.
- [03:39] Mallory's academic journey and how the term Firefly was born out of isolation, biphobia, and the need for something beautiful in a messy experience
- [08:16] The preconceived ideas that did not survive contact with reality, and the grief that surprised her
- [09:16] Grief as a portal. Why coming out later in life often brings every ungrieved loss to the surface
- [13:15] How the study was designed, who participated, and why Mallory insisted on a participant pool that reflected a range of genders, sexualities, races, and backgrounds
- [18:42] The central finding: community makes a world of difference in how, when, and whether we come out
- [22:00] The communities that most often restrict authenticity, beginning with religious spaces
- [24:13] Workplace culture, family planning, and the institutional barriers that keep people in straight presenting marriages
- [29:16] A-M's story of finding her first online community and the words that changed how she saw her ex-husband's new partner
- [31:26] How to be a careful consumer of online groups, and the difference between spaces that heal and spaces that harm
- [36:22] The overlap between recovery, neurodivergence, and coming out later in life
- [41:51] Treasure hunting: looking back with hindsight glasses at the signs that were there all along
- [47:01] Sexual scripts, caretaking roles, and the abandonment of self
- [51:55] Addressing the old trope about childhood abuse and sexuality, and what the science actually says
- [54:38] Mallory's advice for anyone figuring this out, at 30 or at 75
Dr. Mallory Hanfling (she/they) is a therapist located in Philadelphia and licensed in Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, and Indiana. Her practice, Courage to Grow Counseling, serves mostly the queer community, working with individuals and couples on identity development, coming out, communication skills, and connecting with one's most authentic self. She is a doctor of human sexuality, and her dissertation explored how community mitigates the impact of compulsory heterosexuality on the Firefly late bloomer identity. Mallory received her Bachelor of Arts in Psychology and Bachelor of Science in Family Science from the University of Maryland and her Master of Social Work from the University of Pennsylvania. She has presented nationally and internationally on her academic work with the Firefly community.
- Instagram: @thefireflyjourney (the survey link for sharing your own story is in her bio)
- Website: couragetogrowcounseling.org
- Mallory is currently accepting new clients in Pennsylvania, New York, New Jersey, and Indiana
- Mallory's previous episode of Coming Out and Beyond, where she shares her personal story: https://youtu.be/Wn0EWBEsOtw
Authentically Us is our community for women finding their way toward a more honest life. It is a soft place to land, a space for your queerness to bloom, and a room full of people who understand the questions you have not said out loud yet. We would love to welcome you. Come find us at https://community.annemariezanzal.com/
