173. Beth: When "Normal" was Actually Rape and Sexual Assault

Beth is a survivor who reached out to me after realizing that memories she once believed were long buried were anything but inconsequential. As she explains, those memories began resurfacing as she engaged in EMDR—Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing—with her therapist, opening the door to a deeper understanding of what she had endured. (It's amazing what a good sexual assault/rape therapist can do for clients!) Beth shares her experience inside a coercive and controlling relationship that ultimately included rape, and how that environment systematically eroded her self-image, autonomy, and ability to function long before she had language for what was happening. This deeply personal and sometimes difficult conversation explores how coercive control operates quietly and persistently—how manipulation, exploitation, and sexual violence can become normalized within relationships and obscured by expectation, loyalty, and silence. Beth speaks candidly, boldly even, about the long process of recognizing abuse for what it was, the internal conflict that came with that realization, and what it took to begin disentangling herself from a relationship designed to keep her powerless. We also talk openly about healing, therapy, and the ways Beth has reclaimed her voice and sense of self through intentional, transformative work. This is a difficult but necessary episode—one that sheds light on the realities of coercive control and affirms the experiences of survivors who may still be questioning their own. Beth's story is not only about survival; it is about clarity, courage, and the strength it takes to speak when silence feels safer. If any part of this conversation resonates with you, please know that you are not alone, and that what you experienced matters. Important information: If you're finding value in this show and these conversations, please take a moment to leave a 5-star rating on your podcast platform. It makes a real difference. I'd also greatly appreciate for you to follow Sexual Assault Survivor Stories on Instagram and send me a note of support. I can't tell you how much your emails mean to me—they truly fuel my passion to keep this podcast going. And if you're a victim or survivor who feels ready to share your story—whether to help yourself heal or to help someone else—you're welcome to reach out. You can email me at dave@sasstories.com, and we can start a conversation about the possibility of you being on the show. Please include a phone number where I can reach you, because I prefer to talk directly with people who are interested in guesting. Thank you to all of you who have already reached out, and please keep those emails and texts coming—I genuinely look forward to hearing from you. Here are some websites for you to peruse, and if you can make a donation where a donation is asked for, thank you! If not, no worries…just you being aware makes a difference! https://whattheydontsay.com https://1in6.org/ https://time.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/repeat_rape.pdf?utm_source=chatgpt.com https://soulwisesolutions.com https://safeinharmsway.org https://startbybelieving.org https://evawintl.org/ As mentioned, and emphasized, it's time to Normalize the Conversation.™ And please remember to Start by Believing…because we all know someone whose life has been impacted by rape or sexual assault. (Check out https://evawintl.org/ & https://startbybelieving.org for more information on "Start By Believing"!) Thank you for tuning in. --Dave It is with gratitude and deep appreciation that I publish Beth's poem: Everything at Once My 1 st boyfriend, and I'm in love. Naïve, trusting and inexperienced, coerced onto the bed. He knows I not ready, I don't want to But he makes his move anyway Forced on my back, he's in between my legs The pain is excruciating My words – NO, NO, NO! His silence My words – YOU'RE HURTING ME! His silence My words begging him – STOP, STOP! His CHOICE to keep going Everything hits me all at once. I'm overwhelmed - Confusion, Panic, Why is he not responding to me? The pain He won't look at me I don't exist to him I'm not a person I'm an object Ignored, used – violated The pain Why won't he stop? He is my boyfriend. How could he be doing this to me? Shocked, betrayed – terrified. The pain I freeze, my body won't move I can't make it stop Please make it stop OH GOD – HE'S NOT GOING TO STOP! The pain My first time is against my will My first time – rape The excruciating pain Despair consumes me. My body says don't fight, don't move, don't breathe. It is wise and it takes over. I'm detached now and no longer feel the pain. There is a window on the wall behind the bed. To the left, a closet door. It's brown with 6 horizontal panels, each the same size running down the length of the door. The doorknob is old fashioned – An ivory knob with a decorative plate. We are in an odd position on the bed. Not at the top by the pillows but close to the bottom. Soft, white sheets are pushed up and wrinkled to my left instead of by our feet. In front of the bed, the bedroom door but I can't get to it. Trapped beneath him, on the right side of the mattress, I stare at the brown closet door With the 6 panels and The ivory doorknob . . .