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In this episode, I'm back with Shana James for Part 2 of our conversation — and this time we're getting into the real, messy, funny, and deeply human side of dating in midlife. Shana breaks down the most common mistakes people make when they're back out there after divorce or a long relationship, starting with the one thing most people skip entirely: knowing what they actually want.
We talk about love, lust, and partnership as three completely separate dimensions — and why collapsing them into one is where so many relationships go wrong. Shana shares her own stories of fumbling through dating after divorce, why she won't date someone who's fresh out of a relationship, and what happened when she gave her current partner a chance even when the initial chemistry wasn't there.
We also get into why instant chemistry can actually be a red flag rooted in attachment wounds, how to spark connection instead of just waiting for it, and what to do if you're in a relationship that feels stuck. Shana closes with her best advice for anyone who's dating or partnered and feeling lost — and it's simpler and more powerful than you'd expect.
In this episode:
00:00 Welcome Back — Going Even Deeper in Part 2
01:20 The Most Common Midlife Dating Mistakes
03:45 Know Yourself Before You Date — Why It Matters
06:00 Love, Lust, and Partnership Are Not the Same Thing
08:15 Fumbling Through Dating After Divorce — And That's Okay
10:30 Karen's Recent First Date Story (And What Honesty Made Possible)
12:50 Is the Best Love and Sex of Your Life Still Ahead of You?
15:15 The Myth of Happy Sex — Shana's Most Vulnerable Story
17:40 Why Instant Chemistry Might Be a Red Flag
19:55 How to Spark Chemistry Instead of Waiting for It
21:40 Advice for Anyone Stuck in Love or Dating Right Now
23:00 Where to Find Shana James
Want a deeper look? Watch the full episode on YouTube for a more visual experience of today’s discussion. This episode is best enjoyed on video—don’t miss out!
About the guest:
As a relationship and dating coach for 20+ years, Shana James humbly discovered the causes of disconnection and distrust in relationships, as well as how to build trust and keep passion alive. Shana has facilitated decades ofAuthentic Relating workshops based on her training in communication, mindfulness, psychology and sensuality, and specializes in helping clients date and create healthy relationships after divorce. Shana brings her Master’s in psychology, DISC and Positive Intelligence certifications to her book:Honest Sex: A Passionate Path to Deepen Connection and Keep RelationshipsAlive. She also hosts two podcasts: Man Alive and Practicing Love, and has aTEDx Talk, 'What 1000 Men's Tears Reveal About the Crisis Between Men andWomen.'
Connect with Shana James:
Website: https://shanajamescoaching.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/shanajames/
Resources: https://shanajamescoaching.com/resources-3/
About the host:
Karen Bigman, a Sexual Health Alliance Certified Sex Educator, Life, and Menopause Coach, tackles the often-taboo subject of sexuality with a straightforward and candid approach. We explore the intricacies of sex during perimenopause, post-menopause, and andropause, offering insights and support for all those experiencing these transformative phases.
This podcast is not intended to give medical advice. Karen Bigman is not a medical professional. For any medical questions or issues, please visit your licensed medical provider.
Looking for some fresh perspective on sex in midlife? You can find me here:
Email: karen@taboototruth.com
Website: https://www.taboototruth.com/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/taboototruth
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@taboototruthpodcast
Substack: https://karenbigman.substack.com
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